We all have things we believe about ourselves, messages we
tell ourselves, whether we acknowledge them or not. Most of the time, people aren’t even aware of
what their inner script is. They go
through life making the same mistakes over and over again because they are
unable to shine that light into the corners of their mind.
In a nutshell, our early experiences dictate the early
decisions we make. Those decisions color
how we view ourselves and the rest of the world; they shape how we interact.
One of my early decisions was that I was not okay, but everyone else was. In short, I felt unlikeable and unlovable. I felt that I needed to con others into
liking me or that I would have to somehow make them happy or please them. It never occurred to me that I should matter
in the relationship. I was just grateful
that someone was willing to call me friend. This led to a great vulnerability and
led to some horrific decisions regarding relationships. Most of the time, it
meant I poured my heart into a relationship that meant next to nothing to the other
person. I trusted too soon and too much. I shared personal information about myself
that was used as a weapon, or a joke. I
found myself surrounded by narcissists.
They were only interested in what I could do for them, and no desire to
do anything for me. I would leave relationships feeling broken and worthless.
I always felt that if people “really knew me”, they would
inherently dislike me and shun me. This
was reinforced by the fact that the people I did reach out to and try to
befriend did indeed reject me in some way.
But here’s the brain twister: I
was drawn to people who would treat me terribly because it would reinforce the
early decision I had made – that I was unlikeable and unlovable. You see it all the time: the girls who are
drawn to “players” over and over again; the guys who are drawn to “gold diggers”
over and over again. They are drawn to
people who will reinforce the message that is constantly playing in their
subconscious. This is why therapy is
wonderful. It breaks that awful,
repeating tape and lets you record a new message.
It’s not instant, nor is it easy. I will forever fight that internal
message; there are times I still believe it.
I am still drawn to people who treat me poorly. It’s hard to undo 30+ years of behavior in a
matter of a few years. But instead of
repeating those dreadful relationships, I now have the tools to see them for
what they are: harmful and detrimental to me.
It gives me an opportunity to pursue worthy relationships. The odd thing is, if I’m not comfortable with
a person, it probably means they will be good for me! After all, I was
comfortable being abused and treated badly.
If you find yourself in the same situation time and again,
consider therapy. Break out of the destructive
cycle that has you in its grasp. Shine a
light and get a little clarity. It’s
good for the soul. J
