Still a Big Kid

I was joking around with my friend the other day that, in my head, I still feel like a kid.  I’ve been married for almost 9 years, have two kids, had multiple careers, bought and sold houses – but I still feel like that uncertain 17 year old.  I still feel like I am faking my way through life.  How am I supposed to teach my girls how to be confident, Christian women when I am still floundering?

Daily Bible study, a healthy prayer life, a strong faith and total dependence on God – those are things I aspire to, which I never seem to achieve.  There are days (still!) where I can’t even manage a shower until both girls are in bed for the night.  This last year has been particularly difficult.  When my sweet Emmy came into this world, there were some complications and she arrived via an emergency C-section.  There were agonizing minutes when I thought my baby was dying.  Her heart rate dropped and dropped until it didn’t register. I’ve never felt so powerless in my entire life.  There was nothing, NOTHING I could do.  I was flat on my back, an anesthesiologist pumping drugs into my epidural line, as they wheeled me into the OR.  I can only remember sobbing and pleading with God for my baby’s life.  God answered, and He said, “Yes.”  Emmy is a happy, healthy, nearly one year old.  She has a sunny, sweet disposition that is a calming balm.  I am blessed beyond measure. 

Having survived, and I don’t use that term lightly, a previous depression, I was high risk for post-partum after Emmy’s rather traumatic entry into this world.  As the days turned into weeks, it was clear that depression was, indeed, rearing its ugly head.  I began working earnestly with my counselor that we could uproot it quickly.  I would like to tell you that I began making good progress and the depression dissipated.  However, looking at the previous 10 months, I don’t know that would be honest.

Learning to manage with an infant and a toddler was more difficult than I anticipated.  My oldest, Quinn, is a fearless, bright, curious, ever moving tornado.  She is a lot of fun, and a lot of exhaustive work.  If she is awake, she is moving and getting into stuff.  If she wants to do a “quiet” activity, she is probably not feeling well. I told myself that the unending fatigue, and its accompanying listlessness, was due to having such young children - and part of that was probably true.  It was also coupled with the feeling that I was a single parent.  My husband works his tail off for his family so that I can be a “stay-at-home” mom.  It was the choice we felt best for our children.  Because his “primary” job is as a teacher, we weren’t exactly rolling in the dough.  He then started working at Texas Roadhouse (on the Bush Tollway in North Garland) every Friday night so we could have some breathing room.  When the opportunity to privately tutor, and make a little money, became available, he jumped at the chance.  In other words, he was rarely home, trying to make enough money so that I could be with the kids.  There are times when I have wondered if this was the right choice.  Would we have had more family time (and money) if we had put the kids into day care and I went back to practicing law?  Would that have been a better choice? I don’t know. 

I have a vague notion that things will be better/get easier “in the future.”  Maybe money will be easier when I can work more, or the girls don’t need diapers and formula.  Maybe I’ll finish one of the 50 manuscripts I’ve started and get it published. I have lots of ideas and wishful thinking, but no real plan.  I still don’t know what I want to be “when I grow up.”  I anticipate I will return to the work force when my girls are school aged.  What I’ll be doing? Your guess is as good as mine.  So even though the calendar turns from day to day and I age chronologically, I often feel like a teenager - uncertain of what the future holds and what I’ll do with myself or who I’m going to become.

Where do I go from here?  Perhaps a start is to realize that even though my life is crazy, I haven’t worked out all my issues, and I’m not as emotionally healthy as I would like – I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything.  I have two amazing, beautiful girls and a husband who sacrifices everything for his family.  I am blessed.  I am loved.  I am a child of the King.  If I achieve nothing else in my life, this is enough.