Competition, Fear, and Motherhood

I promised myself that I would never be “that” mom.  I would never compare my child to another.  I would only evaluate her on her own merits.  That lasted for about 2 seconds.  From cutting teeth to pulling up to first words, I’ve been asking other moms when their kids hit milestones and secretly worried when Q wasn’t doing things as fast.

I have the awareness to know that this is completely ridiculous and has no bearing on her intelligence or development.  Yet, I still can’t seem to put to rest my own worries.  I know this has nothing to do with Q, but is a reflection of my own insecurities as a mother.  I never thought I was capable of such love until Q came along.  With that love also came a crazy fear and endless worry.

I have no illusions of being a perfect mom.  It’s not possible, so why drive myself crazy with it?  I do, however, want to be the absolute best mom I am capable of being.  God gave me an awesome responsibility when He blessed me with Q.  For years I had prayed that God not give me children unless it was His will and until He felt I was able to care for them and raise them according to His will.  I had resigned myself to not having children, if it meant that I could better love and protect them by leaving them unborn.  Having worked through some pretty hefty issues in my life, I did not want to pass those issues on to my children, or worse yet, be so blinded by those issues that it would materially affect my children and leave them damaged and scarred.  Thus, I hit my knees every day and prayed that God not bless me with children until I was truly capable of raising them.

Q was a wonderful surprise for us.  She has been a blessing in so many ways.  God, through my sweet Q, has taught me what selfless love really means, as well as patience, kindness, and forgiveness.  I am not a perfect mom.  I mess up on a daily basis and, sometimes, I take it hard.  I am still looking for the balance between firm and dictator.  No one tells you how hard it is to determine if your child is acting willfully when they can’t speak!  I want to be permissive when I can be and always loving.  I want to raise Q to be a strong Christian woman. 

I still hit my knees every day, thanking God for entrusting me with the care and guidance of this precious soul, and begging for the wisdom, knowledge, and patience to do the job right.  I ask for forgiveness when I mess up, from both God and Q.  She may not have the capacity yet to understand it, but she will someday.  It will be, I hope, a blessing to her.  I want her to know that while I love her without measure, I will mess up and, more importantly, I will own it.

I’ve said it before; prayer is the most important tool we have.  Use it often.  Pray for yourselves, other parents, and if you have a moment, pray for me.  As always, thanks for reading.  J