Bummer Birthday

For many people, the approach of January 1 begins a time of self-reflection and taking stock of one’s life.  New Year’s never held much appeal for me.  My evaluation time has always been around August 15, my birthday.

I’ve always been a goal and deadline oriented person.  I thrived in school because of this.  The expectations were, mostly, laid out for you.  To continue to the next grade, you must complete x, y, and z.  To go to college, you must fulfill the following requirements.  I loved it.  If you found yourself in an intolerable situation: a terrible teacher, classmate, or subject, it was temporary….therefore making it tolerable.  I would often say to myself, “I just have to get through this year” or “I just have to get through this semester.”  It was easy enough to endure, especially with all the breaks that are built into school.

This was not good training for adult life.  As I approached my law school graduation, I started suffering from bouts of depression, anxiety and panic attacks that grew progressively worse.  I could not have articulated why at the time.  Now I know it was simply because I didn’t know what to do with my life.  School was about having deadlines and being “done”.  I was about to start the next chapter of my life with no plan, no deadline, and no clue.  The ensuing years of my life yawned before me, seemingly stretching endlessly, and I had no idea how to fill them. My life until that point had been on fast forward, getting things done.  I simply didn’t know how to just be, just live, just enjoy life, and it scared the living daylights out of me.

I got past that, but still have to remind myself that the cliché “Life is a journey, not a destination” is truth.  Life is not a checklist to run through, and when I’m done, I’m dead.  Life is meant to be savored and enjoyed.  The “goal/deadline” way of thinking tends to coincide with future living.  “I’ll be happy when…” Sound familiar?  I still have to remind myself to live in the present.

The time when I am seemingly at my weakest is right before my birthday.  Quite frankly, turning a year older depresses me, and it’s not the aging process that gets me.  It’s the feeling that I didn’t accomplish enough in the previous year.  It’s another year gone by and my manuscript(s) isn’t finished, I haven’t met my goal weight (never mind that I successfully lost weight around my pregnancies and I JUST had a baby), my house isn’t organized and cleaned the way I want it to be, etc.

This year, following the post-partum tornado of hormones and emotions following the rather traumatic birth of my second angel, seems to be a little worse.  I have to remind myself that I am important, that it is necessary to take care of myself, and that it’s okay not to be “done”.  Quite frankly, if I’m living life the way I want to, then I’ll never be “done”.  The best gift I can give my girls is a healthy, happy mommy who leads by example.  If I model depressive and negative self-talk, if I beat myself up for shortcomings, both real and perceived, then my girls will pick that up and recycle it for yet another generation.

Life is a journey.  It’s not always smooth, easy, or comfortable, but it is interesting and necessary.  Difficult situations will come up, as they do for everyone.  The difference is in how I choose to embrace and approach it.  I turn 34 tomorrow.  I am not a successful author, attorney, or a size 2.  I am a wife to a wonderful husband and a mommy to two brilliant and amazing girls.  My journey has been pretty magnificent so far, regardless of what remains on my to-do list.  So, until next year when I begin questioning everything again, I will resolve to retain an attitude of gratitude, a spirit of adventure, and keep myself centered right here in the present.  Happy Birthday to me.