I’ve always been a goal and deadline oriented person. I thrived in school because of this. The expectations were, mostly, laid out for
you. To continue to the next grade, you
must complete x, y, and z. To go to college,
you must fulfill the following requirements.
I loved it. If you found yourself
in an intolerable situation: a terrible teacher, classmate, or subject, it was
temporary….therefore making it tolerable.
I would often say to myself, “I just have to get through this year” or “I
just have to get through this semester.”
It was easy enough to endure, especially with all the breaks that are
built into school.
This was not good training for adult life. As I approached my law school graduation, I
started suffering from bouts of depression, anxiety and panic attacks that grew
progressively worse. I could not have
articulated why at the time. Now I know
it was simply because I didn’t know what to do with my life. School was about having deadlines and being “done”. I was about to start the next chapter of my
life with no plan, no deadline, and no clue.
The ensuing years of my life yawned before me, seemingly stretching
endlessly, and I had no idea how to fill them. My life until that point had
been on fast forward, getting things done.
I simply didn’t know how to just be, just live, just enjoy life, and it
scared the living daylights out of me.
I got past that, but still have to remind myself that the cliché
“Life is a journey, not a destination” is truth. Life is not a checklist to run through, and
when I’m done, I’m dead. Life is meant
to be savored and enjoyed. The “goal/deadline”
way of thinking tends to coincide with future living. “I’ll be happy when…” Sound familiar? I still have to remind myself to live in the
present.
The time when I am seemingly at my weakest is right before
my birthday. Quite frankly, turning a
year older depresses me, and it’s not the aging process that gets me. It’s the feeling that I didn’t accomplish
enough in the previous year. It’s
another year gone by and my manuscript(s) isn’t finished, I haven’t met my goal
weight (never mind that I successfully lost weight around my pregnancies and I
JUST had a baby), my house isn’t organized and cleaned the way I want it to be,
etc.
This year, following the post-partum tornado of hormones and
emotions following the rather traumatic birth of my second angel, seems to be a
little worse. I have to remind myself
that I am important, that it is necessary to take care of myself, and that it’s
okay not to be “done”. Quite frankly, if
I’m living life the way I want to, then I’ll never be “done”. The best gift I can give my girls is a
healthy, happy mommy who leads by example.
If I model depressive and negative self-talk, if I beat myself up for
shortcomings, both real and perceived, then my girls will pick that up and
recycle it for yet another generation.
Life is a journey. It’s
not always smooth, easy, or comfortable, but it is interesting and
necessary. Difficult situations will
come up, as they do for everyone. The
difference is in how I choose to embrace and approach it. I turn 34 tomorrow. I am not a successful author, attorney, or a
size 2. I am a wife to a wonderful
husband and a mommy to two brilliant and amazing girls. My journey has been pretty magnificent so far,
regardless of what remains on my to-do list.
So, until next year when I begin questioning everything again, I will
resolve to retain an attitude of gratitude, a spirit of adventure, and keep
myself centered right here in the present.
Happy Birthday to me.
