I was joking around with my friend the other day that, in my
head, I still feel like a kid. I’ve been
married for almost 9 years, have two kids, had multiple careers, bought and
sold houses – but I still feel like that uncertain 17 year old. I still feel like I am faking my way through
life. How am I supposed to teach my
girls how to be confident, Christian women when I am still floundering?
Daily Bible study, a healthy prayer life, a strong faith and
total dependence on God – those are things I aspire to, which I never seem to
achieve. There are days (still!) where I
can’t even manage a shower until both girls are in bed for the night. This last year has been particularly
difficult. When my sweet Emmy came into
this world, there were some complications and she arrived via an emergency
C-section. There were agonizing minutes
when I thought my baby was dying. Her
heart rate dropped and dropped until it didn’t register. I’ve never felt so
powerless in my entire life. There was
nothing, NOTHING I could do. I was flat
on my back, an anesthesiologist pumping drugs into my epidural line, as they
wheeled me into the OR. I can only
remember sobbing and pleading with God for my baby’s life. God answered, and He said, “Yes.” Emmy is a happy, healthy, nearly one year
old. She has a sunny, sweet disposition
that is a calming balm. I am blessed
beyond measure.
Having survived, and I don’t use that term lightly, a
previous depression, I was high risk for post-partum after Emmy’s rather
traumatic entry into this world. As the
days turned into weeks, it was clear that depression was, indeed, rearing its ugly
head. I began working earnestly with my
counselor that we could uproot it quickly.
I would like to tell you that I began making good progress and the
depression dissipated. However, looking
at the previous 10 months, I don’t know that would be honest.
Learning to manage with an infant and a toddler was more difficult than I anticipated. My oldest, Quinn, is a
fearless, bright, curious, ever moving tornado.
She is a lot of fun, and a lot of exhaustive work. If she is awake, she is moving and getting
into stuff. If she wants to do a “quiet”
activity, she is probably not feeling well. I told myself that the unending
fatigue, and its accompanying listlessness, was due to having such young
children - and part of that was probably true.
It was also coupled with the feeling that I was a single parent. My husband works his tail off for his family
so that I can be a “stay-at-home” mom.
It was the choice we felt best for our children. Because his “primary” job is as a teacher, we
weren’t exactly rolling in the dough. He
then started working at Texas Roadhouse (on the Bush Tollway in North Garland)
every Friday night so we could have some breathing room. When the opportunity to privately tutor, and
make a little money, became available, he jumped at the chance. In other words, he was rarely home, trying to
make enough money so that I could be with the kids. There are times when I have wondered if this
was the right choice. Would we have had
more family time (and money) if we had put the kids into day care and I went
back to practicing law? Would that have
been a better choice? I don’t know.
I have a vague notion that things will be better/get easier “in
the future.” Maybe money will be easier
when I can work more, or the girls don’t need diapers and formula. Maybe I’ll finish one of the 50 manuscripts I’ve
started and get it published. I have lots of ideas and wishful thinking, but no
real plan. I still don’t know what I
want to be “when I grow up.” I
anticipate I will return to the work force when my girls are school aged. What I’ll be doing? Your guess is as good as
mine. So even though the calendar turns
from day to day and I age chronologically, I often feel like a teenager - uncertain
of what the future holds and what I’ll do with myself or who I’m going to
become.
Where do I go from here?
Perhaps a start is to realize that even though my life is crazy, I haven’t
worked out all my issues, and I’m not as emotionally healthy as I would like – I
wouldn’t trade what I have for anything.
I have two amazing, beautiful girls and a husband who sacrifices
everything for his family. I am
blessed. I am loved. I am a child of the King. If I achieve nothing else in my life, this is
enough.
