Parenting

If parents ever really sat down and considered the responsibility involved in raising children, the human race would die out.  There are no do-overs, no receipts, and no second chances.  It only takes one, ONE, defining moment in a child’s life to forever scar or encourage.  No child is born thinking that he is ugly, or stupid, or that his laugh is annoying.  No child is born thinking that she has weird feet, or that she’s fat, or that she’s somehow not enough.  A child is told this about himself.  Depending on who is telling him, and his support system, he will either believe it, internalize it, making it a permanent part of himself, or he’ll discard it, though it may have planted a seed of doubt.

Consider this issue one step further: communication is largely nonverbal.  Although we are largely unaware of it, we are forever scanning our audiences for nonverbal cues.  Body language can reveal anger when the voice is saying everything is fine.  So, when you are telling your child something, does your body language back you up, or are you giving mixed signals?  Are you telling your child not to bully another while you stand aggressively over them, invading their space and pushing your agenda on them?  Don’t misunderstand, discipline is appropriate.  But again, how are we going about it?

This issue came to light for me on two separate occasions.  I was playing with my nine-month-old when she started grabbing for my glasses.  I calmly grabbed her hand and told her, “We don’t grab mommy’s glasses.”  This repeated a few times before she seemed to get the idea.  Then, out of the blue, she reached out, viper quick, and grabbed, not only my glasses, but a good deal of hair.  It hurt immensely and I reacted out of pain, anger, and frustration: I popped her on the leg.  It was not a hard pop, more to get her attention.  But, in that moment, I saw in her eyes that I had broken her trust.  I had done something that she had not conceived of as possible in her short time on this earth: I had hurt her.  I instantly felt shame flood me.  I can never get that moment back and I can’t redo it; it is now part of our history.  On the second occasion, I was cooking dinner while she was eating a snack in her high chair.  She had been babbling and cooing to herself, getting increasingly louder.  She then started yelling and screaming, just to see if she could do it.  I told her, “We don’t yell.  Let’s use our inside voice.”  Again, we repeated this pattern a few times before she seemed to understand.  Like the glasses incident, after a significant pause in the behavior, she yelled her loudest yet.  I whirled around and was on the verge of shouting, “WE DON’T YELL!!”  when I realized what I was about to do.  The absurdity of it stopped me and I was glad I was able to put the brakes on.  I was about to give her a mixed message: yelling at her that we don’t yell.  How ironic.

Parenting takes patience, fortitude, and bravery that most of us aren’t aware we have until we try it.  Because we are imperfect, and we live in a fallen world, we will screw up.  We will hurt our children.  We will scar them.  We must be able to forgive ourselves, ask forgiveness from our children when necessary, and keep going; doing everything we can to minimize the damage. 

Be kind to other parents, reach out when you need help, and ALWAYS remember to pray.  God is the greatest ally we can have on our side.